Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize