When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
