he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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