in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
