I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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