How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
