Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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