He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
