He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
