Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
