let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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