a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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