I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
