The maid of honor just puked.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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