Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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