i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
