Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
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if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
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By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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