Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
