So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
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4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.