I can tuck mytits in my pants
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
