dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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