I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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