I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
is it fun? or sober?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
