I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
