12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
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