Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
