Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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