all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
