the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
