On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
