My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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