How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
