dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
