when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wear drunk well.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
