am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
