Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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