Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this just has baby written all over it
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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