I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
