cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
