Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
