I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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