I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
