he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
