Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Everything about him screamed your future.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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