I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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