apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
