I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
