allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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