I wish I could punch you in the face.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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