Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
