get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
