Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
