When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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