the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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