For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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