I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
