They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
