Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
