So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
there is glitter all over my balls
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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