you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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