"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
