why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
