Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
