i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
